I’m having terrible thoughts about my husband and our relationship and myself. We have been married 18 years. When we married I chose not to see how different we were in regard to organization and planning etc. I chose to interpret it as exciting and that it would change. It hasn’t. Many things are good, many things are enjoyable between us, but in many areas we both struggle with our differences.
Our office, garage and second space (vowed by him 10 years ago to become a place for the kids to hang out and still a storage space) are piling zones to me. They don’t bother him. I ask him to clean them, he doesn’t. I’m having a challenge accepting this. I have had a challenge accepting this for 18 years. I get angry. I bitch. He says (in a respectful way ) I’m a bitch. Oh goodness.
Circumstance: I was at our daughter’s gymnastic meet all weekend. I worked on classroom paper and grocery shopped too.
Thought: I wish he had spent some time on straightiung the office like I asked instead of sorting Oliver’s legos all weekend . He doesn’t pick priorities well of what to do. I’m doing the responsible stuff. He played with legos- the kids aren’t even involved in what he is doing. If he hadn’t bought all those legos in such a compulsive way we won’t have such mess. He doesn’t see how responsible he is for his own messes (several thoughts- break all down in different models??)
Feeling: Angry or resentful (not sure which, feels like both).
Action: stomp around, talk in strong voice about how disappointed I am that he AGAIN chose to ignore the work to be done on the family spaces he has filled up . Tell him I’m disappointed.
Result: We fight saying unkind things together, it distances us and the family we are trying to strengthen (kids all hear), we don’t talk. (I don’t pick my priorities well???? I don’t see where I am responsible for MY own messes?)
I can see how the T proves the R- or thoughts prove the Rs- BUT how to deal with this ongoing situation? I don’t want to change my thought that I’d like the joint family spaces cleaned up an organized – I don’t want to choose the thought that the spaces okay the way they are. But I don’t like what I’ve created here. Help please!!