I Think My C is Really a T… But Is It?


Ok. Last night, my partner and I were at a play – and he complained about the venue. It was funny, because I was just sitting there, before the show started, thinking how happy I was – and then he started in on how he didn’t like the venue AND how it was built wrong. And my thought was (and has been) “My partner is unhappy and I don’t have to change him. My only job is to love him”. So we just chatted about all of the things that were “wrong” with the venue and then watched the show. I had a thoroughly great time and loved my partner.

BUT — I realized today that I believe that part of that thought is a circumstance … “My partner is unhappy”. And in looking at my other relationships, I find that I have similar thoughts about my Mom, my brother, and my best friend. Like “My Mom is in pain” or “My brother is lost” or “My best friend is not happy” (which I believe is a C)… and then I add on … “but I don’t have to change them. My job is to just love them”. And I’m realizing that’s a pretty thought – and I do feel love toward them FROM that thought. But I also think the part I’m thinking is a circumstance is causing me to find evidence of unhappiness, pain, etc. – and not see a balance on the other side. Or not see them factually. So I’m just seeing all of my closest relationships as people who are unhappy or in pain – and thinking that’s the truth.

Because with the thought that they’re in pain/unhappy, I’m feeling a bit “off” – maybe because I have another thought like “I wish my partner were happier” or “I wish my Mom wasn’t in pain”. So there’s a bit of angst there – around the person – even though there’s love, too. So I think I’m seeing a fact… a circumstance… “My partner is obviously unhappy, because he just told me he hates this venue” – but is that a fact?

My partner has said that he doesn’t feel like he’s a happy person – and that he complains quite a bit. So there’s that. But I’d like to not have that sad twinge around the complaining. Do I make the complaining mean something else? Is there a thought that would make me see the complaining differently – or maybe focus on evidence of happiness, instead of complaining. “My partner is often happy – but never says it.” I guess I want to find a way to see them as a C – instead of the sad view I have of them, which I’m realizing is caused by my thought judgment of them.

Any insights here? I don’t like thinking my partner, Mom, brother, best friend are unhappy, in pain, etc. – and I have to love them IN SPITE of that. But it’s a bit foggy around what I can think – when they give me so much evidence (in some cases, direct words… “I’m not happy” or “I wish my life were different”) that they’re unhappy.

I think I notice the “unhappy” – because it’s more noticable. I think “happy” doesn’t get called out as much — “OMG, I’m so happy right now!” — but complaints and judgments do. And when I focus on those, I think the entire PERSON is unhappy.

Anyway – any insights here? I love my peeps – but I’d also like to not keep thinking (and finding evidence) that they’re unhappy and in pain. Thanks! 🙂

P.S. I’m not trying to escape the feeling of sadness necessarily – because I’ve felt that for quite a while around “the fact” that they’re unhappy and in pain. I just think that’s now a thought error and not a circumstance. Unless I’m wrong and “Partner is unhappy” is a circumstance.