I want help


I don’t want to keep dealing with this
Why can’t I figure this out
I’m doomed
This won’t work
I am waiting for the right moment
Circumstances aren’t ideal
I’ve had that thought before
I keep giving up
I’ll give up again
It won’t last
I don’t care
It doesn’t matter
I’m so exhausted

I’m going to have to give up these thoughts to lose weight. The thought I need to wait for ideal circumstances is a lie. I’m exhausted and can’t eat on plan is a lie. I make myself the victim and don’t take control. It doesn’t matter. When the scale is low that means I’ll eat whatever I want today. When the scale is high that means I’ll never lose this weight. I hate weighing myself and I beat myself up either way. When it’s low I say I don’t deserve it. When it’s high I say I deserve it. I want to be free from this over eating and going into apathy. When I’m exhausted or when life is going on how do we stay present? It’s exhausting to stay present I can’t do it on top of being exhausted from no sleep. I need the food to make it through. I need to take the edge off. I need something to feel good. Everything else is hard and exhausting this is my only pleasure. I’m so tired.
How do I give this story up? Do I tell myself nope no longer thinking that thought. We are in control of what we eat. Food doesn’t solve for exhaustion. I feel like my thoughts of this sort aren’t nearly strong enough or convincing enough compared to my “Wubbie” thoughts. How do we get the brain to believe in the new thoughts enough when we are still practicing believing them? I know you’ve talked of ladder thoughts. I want to not want it doesn’t even feel true in the moment. I do want to want it. Is that when we just keep the existing thoughts and don’t act on them? Just add an urge bead? I need to allow the strong desire to be there without answering it. I have very low tolerance for this. I currently give into all urges without question. The toddler inside me gets whatever she wants. She’s not used to hearing no and doesn’t believe we will follow through. She’s persistent. I feel so disconnected with myself and don’t like myself. I’ve been in scholars so long and my prefrontal knows so much. She knows what to eat and when and when to fast and for how long. She knows how to define and urge and what Brooke would say and that she needs to practice feeling urges and feeling desire without answering it and allowing it to be there. And yet my primal brain runs the show. The more I learn and don’t do the more I’m at odds with myself. I feel I have zero integrity and zero belief in myself to follow through on my word. My word to myself means nothing. And that feels terrible. I almost think it would be better to not make plans because I hurt myself each time I do. So then I stop making plans and I’m quitting yet again.