I’m not a racist

When I was little it was common to use a particular word to refer to people of a different race than the main one where we lived. Even saying that now feels wrong. But back then it was normal and I wouldn’t say it was emotionally charged. I think it was just ignorant. Last week we had a family gathering and I was telling stories from when me and my brothers were little. And I used that word. The moment it left my mouth I realized what I was saying but it was too late to avoid it. I felt so ashamed.

I’ve done some models but I’m not sure if the result is right.

And also my C is more like a thought. But I really don’t want to repeat the word.

C I said inappropriate word
T OMG I’m a racist and a horrible person
F Shame
A Hide, spin in my head, beat myself up, replay that moment over and over in my head, procrastinate because I get distracted with these thoughts, dramatize the situation, obssess over this
R ?

I’ve tried this IM
C I said inappropriate word
T That’s and old learning and I’m glad I could uncover it so now I can be more aware and change it
F Empowered
A Own and accept myself, focus, I’m kind to myself and others, I’m more aware and curious of other hidden patterns and behaviors
R I’m moving in the direction I want to as a human being (? I’m not tying it back to the T)

Thank you so much for being there!