I’m still mad – falling out with friend

Back in the spring my longtime friend/business partner and I had a pretty big argument. We never fought, I think we had years of leaving lots of things unsaid, and it all sort of erupted in one big discussion (argument). At that point when she was really mad, she tacked on that she was officially done with our business.

It came out in anger. Like she finally told me the truth, that she wanted out, only because we were arguing. Like, she would have kept things afloat for months (years?), had this argument not happened.

We dissolved our company shortly thereafter and at first the process was amicable. Then towards the end we were sort of silent and distant. I thought things would just need time/space but now its been months and we are not talking at all.

Somewhere in the middle I got mad that she was mad (HA) … i know.

In lieu of jumping to an IM, I actually was coached to just be “mad” which has proved to be challenging for me. I want to feel understanding and compassionate, but I am actually just … mad.

So, I’ve spent months just saying to myself, I’m mad at her today, and thats okay.

Some days it feels soft, and honest, and real, and I can really lean into it.

Some days it buts up with this thought: When am I going to stop being mad? (i.e. this is taking too long)

It’s like I want to be more evolved than I actually am.

I have brief moments of genuine happiness or gratitude for our friendship. I do. And then I have a lot more moments of judgement and anger.

I know many of the things I mad at her for — as it pertains to the business — I’m mad at myself for. She wasn’t honest with me about her feelings about the business, and for years…. neither was I.

So I see that mirror there.

But here I am, 6 months later, and just feeling judgey and mad. I really want to feel different about her. About what happened.

My life and business is actually f-ing amazing today — because this opened a new doorway for me. I totally see that and appreciate it.

But when it comes to her/us… just mad.

Would love some help / guidance here,