In a funk

Dear Brooke,
I am not sure what my question is, I am counting on it becoming clear as I write this. I had what I am thinking of as a very stressful week last week. The circumstances are as follows: my brother overdosed, his wife did CPR until EMS got there and got him to the hospital. He was stabilized and discharged home that same day. My husband and I took off of work, drove the 13 hours to my brother, spent 3 days going through options of how to get back on track (I am a medical professional and my brother works in behavioral health). It was emotional. I was processing the fear that I almost lost my brother. He is an alcoholic (sober 10 years) so we have been down a similar road before. Overall, I felt as though I got through the whole thing very well, felt the feelings, didn’t resist, approached the whole thing from a place of compassion for myself, my brother, and his family. Then on the 13-hour ride home I got food poisoning and missed the next 3 days of work (not really seeing a positive there).

So this week I just feel like I am in a funk. I feel sad. I am identifying the feeling, tightness in the throat, heaviness in my chest, and just trying to be present with it but I don’t know what thought is causing it. I am having nightmares which is a typical manifestation of anxiety for me. All of this I can deal with but I am not moving forward with getting stuff done, with working on my impossible goal, managing my mind around my annoying coworker (she is only annoying when I am not managing my mind lol). I feel as though I have run out of emotional resources (thought). Yesterday I buffered with chocolate and wine and pasta which is really not typical for me. I am not even sure why I did it.

So I guess I am looking for guidance as to possible next steps. Maybe it is the thought that I almost lost my brother? I know I would be ok if this happened but it’s not what I want and I didn’t lose him. I actually was overwhelmed with gratitude last week, gratitude that his wife realized at midnight that he was not breathing, gratitude that he survived, gratitude for my neighbors who took care of my daughter, gratitude that he was willing to accept responsibility. Do I just accept that this is the crappy 50% of life? I don’t want to not move forward with my goals during this time and I certainly don’t want to eat sugar and flour and wine. Do I just wait for this heaviness to go away?

Thanks for any help.