Judgement


Hi,
I have been working on anger and I finally got to understanding and acceptance that the anger was because I was hurt. I still find myself having a hard time forgiving the people who I thought had hurt me and I am working on believing that no one can hurt me, it was all my thoughts and that the reason to forgive is for me and not them. However, I still find that I have tons of judgement, especially with the individuals I used to believe hurt me. The thought I keep fighting with is “they should behave better”. Especially because they all seem to expect me to behave differently. For example, my older siblings. My family are runners (they run away when things get hard) and my older siblings have physically run away. Out of the 3, I have been more stable; living in the same city, same house and have been in the same marriage for the last 20 plus years. When they have needed me, I have been available to help. Since they are my older siblings, they take it upon themselves to “advise me” and tell me how to live me life, when I have never gone to them for any help and (here comes the judgment) “I have my shit together and they don’t”. If I draw a boundary they withdraw and cut me out of their life, until they need something. The reason it hurts is because I feel used, lonely and unloved. I think if they loved me, they would contact me when things are good and want me in their lives. I think that if I’m good enough to rescue them, I good enough to spend time with when things are going great. The interesting thing is that I used to do the same thing with my Grandparents, until I decided that I would rather have spent their last years with them and accept that they can have an opinion of my life. (another judgement of my siblings) If I can come to this place, and they are so much ‘wiser’, why can’t they come to the same thought? I know I am also dealing with tons of resentment (they both accuse me of having resentment after I called them out on only needing me when they needed something.)
How do I just accept them as they are and allow them to judge me without defending myself?
Thank you