Lying (?) to my husband about money


I’ve been hiding how much I spend on Scholars and other programs and courses I’ve taken from my husband. I handle my account and the joint account, I actually handle most of the accounting, he doesn’t like to look at the balance. We spent more than planned on maintenance of our rental income properties last year. This was an unexpected $60K. My husband now wants to spend as little as possible and won’t buy himself new computer equipment for his business because he says $1000 is too much to spend and doesn’t want me to purchase a new computer either until my business makes money. Right now it has made nothing. I actually spend around $1000 a month between Scholars and my other studies. I never told him. He said I didn’t have to ask permission, and only wanted to know about “big expenses”. He said $1000 or more. So even though I spend a total of $1000 a month he doesn’t know about on top of our monthly bills, I don’t tell him. I don’t listen to Scholars calls when he can hear in case someone references $297 a month. I’m under the impression he thinks I’m spending no more than $50 here, $20 there. I feel kind of like I’m being dishonest, the money is going out faster than it’s going in, my business is not making money. I haven’t been doing the mind management or managing my time to make that happen. I’m constantly stressed with thinking I have to hide my expenses. This turns into a thought loop about “cheating” and “financial infidelity”. I’m acting weird and creepy and distant. I think it’s affecting intimacy. I sometimes think I need to quit all the things until I make money. But then I don’t because I think they’re the things that are going to give me the tools to make the money. In all honesty I don’t want to quit anything. But that includes my marriage (which I originally wanted to end before I started Scholars and worked on my thoughts about it). Now I really value this relationship. At least I think I do, but then I think I must not value it because I’m hiding my spending and I keep thinking I’ll just justify it when my business makes money. It just hasn’t done that yet. And every month it doesn’t I feel worse about spending on Scholars and webhosting and e-commerce software and makeup for video etc. I’m feeling just awful about this. I’ve been in Scholars for over a year and I’ve been hiding the cost and stressing about it this whole time.