An understanding came to me- I buffer/addicted to unbalanced relationships/difficult people. It is a comfortable place that I return to again and again. This course has given me the tools to create space… now that I understand a deep rooted thought pattern, I’ll stand against it and wait for something amazing when I make space. I’ll be patient and know, deeply, that I am worthy.
C: In a gap/space in my life, I’ll reach toward “distracting” people- suffering, in pain or needy, incomplete
T: I can help them. I’ve got this. I can solve THEIR problems so easily. I am capable.
F: Worthy (but somehow over time it changed to) Superior
A: Give advice, mentor and guide/ Avoid my problems
R: People are more difficult and helpless, enmeshed and finally entitled: “This is so easy for you, why can’t you just do this for me.”

Another model on this would be:
C: Tension between me and another person
T: Oh, god. They are being difficult again. I’ll keep showing up. I’ll drag them to my awesome.
F: I’m a victim of this person. Savior.
A: Audience validates worth
R: Commit to more difficulty, enmeshed

It is understandable how the lying/people pleasing began and that I pattern it after my family of origin (Cluster-B amazing Mom). In not being taught (who is?) how to think and process as well as having a bad example… I “chamelioned” a great many social norms and created mimicry behavior and constructs that even COVERED deep beliefs and concepts from myself. I drank my KoolAid. It continued into an unhealthy POLLYANNA.

I appreciate the Advanced Diamond Trainings… they make me scared as these tools “strip away Woobies” (joke from February Masterclass) and require me to show up authentically. Now that I have tool after tool… Who will I be once I fix my life? Do I want to fix my life? (that isn’t the right word- fix my life). I feel empowered. I feel love and compassion. I feel scared to my core.

I haven’t asked for coaching much because I subconsciously knew I was “covering” and drinking my KoolAid. That duality makes me feel ashamed and dumb. Unaware, inferior and unintelligent.
C: Duality in thoughts/models, unaware
T: I’m missing something obvious. I should know this.
F: Unworthy of coaching
A: Chose to believe one of the two thoughts out of desperation
R: Not driving change because I chose the comfortable KoolAid thought
Teasing out these deeper beliefs is helping me go from black and white to color in my self coaching and learning.

Am I on the right track?

Warmly,
Krista from Atlanta

P.S. Holy shit, the Model is starting to work for me. Maybe the “shiny” thing I can chose to be buffer/addicted to is the Model.