Meeting your own needs in a relationship.


Hi – So I know that I am the only one responsible for meeting my own needs in my life and my current relationship of 6.5 years.

I know I have a manual for my BF because I want him to be more romantic and do the things he used to do in the beginning but doesn’t do any more. I have talked to him about it and he says nothing is wrong, this is normal for a relationship this stage. I told him I needed more physical affection and closeness as that is what makes me feel cherished and loved. I want to feel cherished and loved. I want a relationship where both people put effort into keeping a spark going. That is important to me.
He doesn’t seem to be trying to put any more effort into it and just keeps saying this is how it is.
I am trying to show him more affection and speaking in his love language.
I am also working on showing me more love and affection by thinking nice things about myself and loving on who I am. So I think I am good there.

So my question around needs is this.

If he doesn’t change (and I know we can’t change anyone else), is part of me meeting my own needs and knowing what I want in a relationship leaving to find someone who does show more affection? IF this is something that is very important to me?
Being open to the each other’s wants and needs in an effort to grow together and do for the other out of our love for each other is very important to me.
He never has any feedback for me on what I can do to help him feel beyond loved and cherished.
That is another value of mine, growth as a couple.

I just don’t think staying with someone and meeting my own needs is enough because by staying I’m ignoring the needs I want in my life and therefore ignoring what I really want.
By staying and just accepting this is the way it will be makes my stomach upset. Because then it’s like I’m ignoring what I want in my life and how I want my relationship to look like.
I know that I’m probably making it mean something about his lack of affection – that he doesn’t love me like he used to.
He even made a comment about the “him now” compared to the “him then” so I think that might very well be part of it. But he isn’t one to open up and discuss true feelings. Which then leads my inner gut to pick up on all the little nuances of his behaviors and actions and words to put the pieces of the puzzle together behind the scenes in my brain. Yes it’s seeking evidence.

I just don’t want to be in a relationship where the writing is on the wall but I’m choosing to stay because I’m supposed to meet my own needs.
Then I spiral into over analysis and thinking it’s all me and my brain focusing on the negative. When I guess if I’m just honest with myself it knows the truth but isn’t willing to accept it?
And then it keeps going back and forth.

Why is it so hard to see the clarity for what it all is when it is our own shit. LOL.. I can help others like nothing else, but when it’s my own stuff. It’s like a big FOG.