Hey!

I have a question about a friends manual for me and their general belief of how a friend should act.

So as an example, he says I should have reached out to visit them right after his daughter was born, that a good friend would want to spend time with his newborn. I told him I thought they would want space and I assumed they had a lot of visitors already.

There have been a couple more things that have happened that I can tell I let him down but didn’t occur to me would matter to him if I acknowledged it or not. Now he is much more distant than before, not texting or saying hi when I see him. If I had to guess what his model was it might go like this:

C: no call on fathers day
T: a good friend would call
F: resentful or hurt
A act distant, ignore
R

So initially when I felt like he was being standoffish or distant I started distancing myself as well so helping to prove his model true. And my model was

C: Talked to me for 3 minutes at the party
T: He’s avoiding me
F: rejected, hurt
A: leave w/o saying goodbye
R: more distances in the friendship

It only takes one sane person in the relationship and that’s going to me:) I want to be his friend and love him as a friend unconditionally regardless if he pushes me away. I’m fine with being more aware of acknowledging important events in his life. But I’m catching myself thinking “I need to regain his trust in me, earn his friendship back” but that doesn’t feel good, it feels needy and desperate and that I’m having to change who I am to fit in his manual.

I guess I’m wondering if I’m on the right train of thought here. I will be there as his friend regardless if he pushes me away or is distant. So if I want to text or reach I will but won’t make his response (or non-response) mean anything about me, I can still love him as a friend.

C: Friendship with B
T: I’ll be authentic in this relationship
F: genuine, unconditional love
A: reach out
R: connect, remain authentic

Thanks in advance for your insight!!