Now what?

I’m struggling with thoughts about my marriage. I love my husband very much, and I am very attracted to him. However, all the work I have done in scholars so far has now led me to realize that I have spent 18 years denying to myself his pattern of piling, disorganizing and collecting bits and pieces. What I see now is that the thoughts I had about myself and my own self worth kept me from creating a space around me that was organized and reflective of who I want to be. I put up with a grungy disorganized space cause I Didn’t believe I was worth more. He has a tremendous amount of stuff and I am not granted the authority to go through any of it. I want to stay with him but I’m seeing many thoughts in my mind that are blaming him. Some thoughts tell me to move on. It’s painful to feel how little I’ve honored and respected myself. I don’t want to blame him, he’s done nothing wrong. Then I blame me. I don’t want to do that either. But this feels too big an issue for a simple thought reframe like “I’m learning to organize my things the way I want them” . I feel I’m needing to metabolize what I’ve been thinking for 18 years. It’s like shedding my skin.