Obsessed with looks


Hi Brooke…..I avoid social situations because I dont like how I look. I have always been pretty and growing up its what I mostly got praise for. So now that I am 56 and certainly still look ok for my age, my face looks off….my smile is crooked, symmetry of my face is off and I am self conscious speaking to people because I think my mouth/ bite looks ugly. I avoid social interaction unless I can correct these things….and believe I try. When I think I look good….I like meeting with people except I’m hyper focused on how good I look and if the other person sees that and is envious. Its almost like if someone is not envious of me or acknowledges I look good… I cease to exist.
And when I don’t look good… I’m super self conscious and thinking inward about what they think about how I LOOK. And how ugly I look and basically what do I have to live for?
It has just occurred to me that I am missing out on the “experience “ of being with people because I know they are judging me on my looks…. I know this because they make comments….my father once said to me “what happened to your face”….. my whole life people have been focused on how I look and I’ve tried to keep up a good front…but as I get older it becomes more difficult. But there is also a bigger picture….where is MY experience? What is my experience? What does HAVING a good time mean? To me it has always and only meant …..looking good and having people think I look good. The funny thing is I never really get what I truly want…and that is a connection with other people…..and a good experience. My thinking is that if I look good I will get that but in actuality my inward thinking/preoccupation keeps me from it. Would love your insight. As always thank you.