On Using the Same Organ


Brooke,

Yesterday’s advanced training was some incredible work. Thank you.
Here’s what I experienced today:

7:50am: Notification reminder of 90-minutes blocked time to write 2 scenes towards my TV drama teleplay.

7:55am: Incoming thoughts = ‘I don’t feel like it’ / ‘this will be uncomfortable’ / ‘the idea I have is not original enough’ / ‘it’s been seen before’ / ‘You’re never going to make it’ / ‘you should let the idea marinate some more till you get it right’ / ‘let’s go out and have a bagel and think it through.’

8am: I am staring at the screen. Can’t think of anything to write regarding this scene. Writing nothing.

8:10am: Incoming thought: ‘You can force yourself to sit here but you do realize you need me in order to write something now, right?’ – my brain tells me.

8:30am: I am at a cafe, eating a bagel (not only did I not write but I also broke my protocol).

So I understand how this is going everyday, this struggle to write that I have.
I plan and schedule, I wake up and don’t feel like it, I dread it, I fear it, and then I am supposed to sit myself and write anyway (since convincing myself that writing comes easily to me clearly didn’t work).

I do feel though, that the same organ that is responsible to generate ideas to write is the same organ that wants the relief from writing and so as long as I force myself to sit and write it seems that my brain just shuts down.
What I manage is to control me staying at the seat but I seem to not be able to control whether imagination for a scene comes to me or not.

Sixteen months as a scholar and the difference between month one and today is only that I understand why I ate a bagel today.
What I still don’t understand is how am I forcing my brain to generate imaginative world of fiction for me.