Painful thoughts


Hi Coach,

A friend of mine shared her thoughts with me about me, as a way to explain why she started to be more distant from me.
I took her thoughts and I recognise some of them on me like if I am looking from the outside and also how I was showing up for this friendship.
My old self would cry, be very upset, and retreat completely from the world. The current me, got a bit upset for few hours, I acknowledged that it’s all only her thoughts about me, and I also acknowledged that I am feeling upset because of my thoughts.
My thoughts about me are painful. It’s bringing a lot of anxiety, loneliness, anger, resentment.

Here is what I see:

The way I showed up to the friendship was not acknowledging her messages, sometimes ignoring on purpose, I was always talking about me, and what’s happening with me, unconsciously trying to be better than her and have better circumstances.

Here are few thoughts about me (from my brain): I want to be better than everyone else. I can’t see people succeed if I’m not succeeding. I have to be in better position than anyone else. If someone is doing better than me I get defensive and angry.
I feel entitle to be better than anyone else.
This is all bullshit, untrue and painful to admit.
I feel the worst human on earth.
I can’t be inferior than other people.

I’m also judging my thoughts about me.

I can see how aware I am now and looking back what I have created in my life with these thoughts with past friendships.
I just need some guidance now in processing, changing, being better. Because I just think I have to be better, but I am not.

Thanks