Photo – Feeling embarrassed and judged


Hey,
My boyfriend and I are currently going through a bit of a rough patch, I broke up with him (kind of out of the blue, felt like an urgent thing to do at the time – am going self work on this), realised I made a mistake, requested to get back together. He still very much loves me, but he is struggling to get over the fear that I will do that to him again, as he is sure that he loves me more than I him and so is fearful of being hurt again. So we are back together but he is not fully on board yet.

Partly this is because he is away and so to try and demonstrate how I feel and that I am committed to him I sent him some intimate photos. He is away and this is something we do when one of us is away. (I am cringing writing this in public forum..) in the past they have been heavily censored as I have always been too embarrassed. We celebrated an anniversary whilst he has been away and so I sent some censored shots, he asked for the uncensored versions and so after a couple of days I sent some.

Before sending I tried to clean up my thinking as to why I was sending them – not to change his behaviour but because it is something he has wanted and I have always only toyed with it in the past. I wanted to get to a place that I was sending them just because I wanted to and felt comfortable as thought they were nice and due to their nature wouldn’t mind if they got out in a public forum and strangely felt empowered and proud sending them.

However I am now realising that I did have some level of expectation as after sending his next message was completely unrelated to my photos, in fact he didn’t acknowledge them at all. It seems so weird that I also am assuming he didn’t even see them.

So now I am trying to do models, as I had said to myself that I cannot send them with the intent of influencing his behaviour – so I think that meant I do not expect him to fully commit after receiving them as he would see how committed I was. However now I am judging him for not responding, so realised my thinking is not as clean as I would have liked to believe as whilst I didn’t expect that we would be back to normal after sending, I did expect some level of acknowledgement, even something as small as a “nice”.

Model at Sending
C: Sent photos to bf
T: He will love these and will realise how committed I am
F: Excited
A: Wait for his response
R: I am committed to a response?

Model after sending (UI)
C- BF did not respond/acknowledge photos I sent
T- He didn’t like them as thinks I am trying to push him, which makes me feel foolish
F: Foolish
A: Judge him for not responding
R: I am trying to push him

Model after sending (IM)
C- BF did not respond to photos I sent
T: I sent them to him to demonstrate my commitment, not to try and influence his behaviour
F: Neutral
A: –
R: No negative net impact

The problem is the above doesn’t feel right, I can’t understand why someone wouldn’t even acknowledge the photos. But I do want to get into an accepting place around him not responding, as right now all I want to do is ask him why he didn’t respond….

Thanks x