I’ve been with my partner a year this month (November) and I love him very much. I thought our relationship was great and that he loved me. One Saturday in October he came over unexpected and told me that he has realized he didn’t love me, has never felt a spark with me, and thinks he was just acting and we should break up. I was blindsided because I thought we were doing great and I’ve only interpreted his actions and words as him really caring about me and being attracted to me.
The next day we talked again because I felt so confused and wanted some closure, in my mind the only reason he would do this was because he met someone else. During that conversation he started crying, saying he didn’t meet anyone but that he thinks he made a mistake and acted out of fear and getting in his head. We talked and decided to work it out and stay together. He saw his therapist and they talked and he said because he was hurt in the past he keeps people at a distance, and our relationship was getting more serious and he was possibly scared he could get hurt so jumped to ending it.
Now everything has been good but in the back of my mind I still wonder if he will decide that he was right the first time and wants to end it again. I did tell him this the first week we were back together that I was having these thoughts, only to share how I was feeling.
I’m noticing now I don’t trust him as much as I did before and sometimes hold back my love to try and protect myself somehow. I can hear Brooke saying I’m the only one who feels that love or not:) I know Brooke has talked about trust and that it’s really just our thoughts about the person. So I think where I’m struggling right now is I want to keep asking him how he is feeling about us (I haven’t done this yet) and if he’s having any doubts again. I want us to talk about it and be more open with each other but I don’t want to do it from a scared, needy place.
Here is my current model:
C: Partner not talking during time together on couch
T: He’s thinking that he doesn’t want to be with me, so he’s more quiet than usual
A: talk more, want to ask him what he’s thinking
R: act needy, not be myself
I want to be open to him about how I’m feeling and thinking, but I think that I want to share this more so he can assure me that he still loves me (even though he could be lying). But then not saying anything or sharing how I’m feeling also feels like I’m pretending things are fine. How do I open this conversation up with him from a more clean place?