Hi Brooke

I’ve just become a diamond member! Yay, love doing all this self work. I need your wisdom on something/help how to tackle a relationship and about a goal. I will give you the backstory just to explain what I’ve done and where I’ve got to so far.

I started training with a PT just under 4 years ago and I was not very confident back then cause of my thoughts of course. I didn’t do scholars back then or know about the importance of your thoughts/mindset so over the years I gave the PT the role of validating me and seeking his approval. I’ve also never been in a relationship and I was abused my big brother when I was a child. So I’ve worked on resolving my issues around my brother when I joined. I got a coaching call with you last year and we spoke about the importance of having self love so I’ve started this year to love myself and I don’t think it’s bad I’m single as much as I used to and I’m starting to believe it’s a blessing like you said as I’m not ready to be in a relationship until my relationship with myself is solid. But before I realised this and joined SCS, I started to have thoughts where I like the PT as he flirts or that’s my thoughts and he is the only guy who I had those kind of interactions with. I had a binge eating habit but I’ve made amazing progress with in the last 6 months and gone from 2-3 binges a week to only 2 in the last 3 months.

I’m trying and getting better at self validating myself as anytime I want validation from him, I ask myself what I want him to say and I tell myself that instead. I’m working with him towards a fitness goal as I love working out as it’s one my passions and helps me become a better version of myself and I like how I feel when I train and to see my progress as I like feeling of true well being and joy I get from the sense of achievement and doing hard things. As I’m doing better with my buffering I wanted to try to go after my fitness goal I’ve had for over 3 years and not achieved yet but I have fear and worry, I will relapse if I start pursuing this more intensely/actively as I know I used to think of myself as a failure and unworthy for not having done it and made it mean something about me. But I don’t think my self worth is related to this goal anymore and I want to do it for me and to feel proud and like a badass and it’s not who I am to give up on a goal that means something to me and I want

I also have been facing challenges managing my thoughts and relationship with the PT as I get on with him and I have love for him in my heart even if it’s not the kind of love, but he helped me become a better version of myself and supports me in my fitness so I’ll always be grateful to him and I’ve worked on a lot of important things like my self love and worth cause of him so he’s been a blessing as I wouldn’t have done that work otherwise. I don’t want to stop training with him but I do want to change how I think and manage myself around him. So I’m working and learning to have self approval, validation and worth. I don’t think I want to get in a relationship with him as I don’t think I know who he is as he said to me he’s a different person outwith the gym and I don’t know that side of him and he often tells me he says stuff to other clients but he doesn’t mean it so when he says things to me I sometimes have doubts whether he means it like he tells me he misses if I’m away on holiday or not in for training. I was trying to create distance between us and change my thoughts that I like him as I know I have a manual for him at times and want him to behave differently from what he does and I want to see that other side of him but he doesn’t choose to show me that so I wanted to accept that but i’m finding it challenging to create the new relationship when he says things like I decided to let go of this idea of being with him and wanting him to act a different way but then he sent me a message acting like how I wanted him to be before I let go. At first I thought it was nice, then I got upset as I doubted it and I also thought it was annoying as I was trying to accept as he is but then I had thoughts he’s not acting like his usual self. So I buffered with food as I don’t know how to proceed as I’m trying and have been for a while but my thoughts are maybe there is something else I need to do or I’m not sure what to do as it doesn’t seem to be working. I didn’t beat myself up or judge myself or feel shame after this overeat and the best thing and new thing was I still believe everything is ok and I can get my goal that I haven’t ruined everything and messed up