Scared of feeling happy


The work I am doing in scholars has been transformative in the way I feel about my life. I feel as if I have a solid base to come home to (me), I have tools I can use to stop spiralling down into negativity; I even feel happy and excited about the future (for the first time in years). I am not yet taking massive action towards my goals but this is what I want to turn to next.
But I also notice that feeling happy feels terrifying. I feel happy and then I have the thought: “now everything is going to go wrong – people I love are going to die; I am going to become ill. I will lose this etc etc”. It feels as if I’ll be punished. Being unhappy must have been protective – maybe stopping me from getting to what really scares me – ? I’m trying to figure out how to work with this and have done some thought downloads. Some ideas that I’ve had are:
– just notice what my brain is telling me and feel scared and carry on anyway. This is my brain wanting me to stay in the (unhappy) cave.
-Now I feel I have something worth losing I don’t want to experience it fully in case I lose it (writing this out I notice I don’t really believe I’m generating all of this with my thoughts – I think it is something I have or not).
-Is this just a scarcity mentality? How can I generate abundance for myself (no ideas as yet)
-Maybe there’s a thought that I don’t deserve to be happy. I think this because I still somehow feel I’m not good enough (working on this).
I’m not aiming to feel happy all or even most of the time but any sense of happiness feels alarming for more than a few seconds and I think this is part of the reason why I’m not taking more action.
Some model examples:
UM
C my life
T I feel happy. What if everything goes wrong now. What if I get a horrible diagnosis. What if someone in my family dies. I won’t be able to cope. I will lose this. (I realise this is several thoughts at once but wanted to show the chatter).
F scared
A run away from my thoughts, buffer
R make things go wrong for myself (it doesn’t feel like that at the time – feels protective).
IM
C my life
T It’s ok to feel scared I have tools I can use to handle it (I’m not sure I really believe this).
F relieved
A relax (which I think is really buffering and not taking any action)
R don’t prove I have the tools to handle this.