self-confidence vs self-sabotage

Hi Brooke-
By doing this work over the past year, I was able to uncover some very deep, old thought patterns that I can’t quite seem to shake them. I can clearly observe them when they are happening but I can’t find and believe new thoughts to replace them. These seem so true to me.

T- I don’t fit in so the problem must be me
F- Isolated, despondent
A- Buffering
R- Negative thought spiral

T- Going after what I want makes me seem difficult and alienates people
F- Sad, lonely, hopeless
A- Second-guess myself
R- Self-sabotaging thoughts

T- I can’t have what I really want, but I can get other things that I don’t want with relative ease
F- Disappointed, resentful
A- Fall back to Plan B
R- Victim mentality

I am really struggling to find and believe new thoughts. I’ve tried adding “& it’s okay” at the end of my thought lines but it does not improve my feelings. These thoughts don’t feel okay. I’ve found that I build up my confidence but at a certain point I get vertigo and these thoughts come back and wipe it all out.

I want to believe in my work, in my own judgment, and in my ability to overcome obstacles more often than I currently do. These old thought patterns come up strong when I am moving toward pitching myself to “gatekeepers” (people who can decide whether or not to produce my work). I get wobbly because inadvertently my confidence will be based on competitive or scarcity thoughts.

Can you give me some ideas about what kinds of thoughts I could be pointing towards? Thank you so much!