What the hell? I’m sitting here blown a-freakin-way. My goal for the month is to keep moving forward on my weight loss. I’m the goldfish eating writer. I went to coach training over labor day and I had a realization.

-> I lost 40 lbs. When I was on protocol, I was not buffering (because food is my buffer) and that gave me Extra Time.
-> When I had Extra Time…. I started writing
-> I wrote a book and, during the emotions of actually putting a romance book out into the world, with explicit sex scenes in it, and telling my family, and almost outing myself on Facebook etc…. I started buffering with food.
-> I told myself I was able to write because I went to the modelathon that fall, but the truth is, I was able to write because I wasn’t buffering.
-> I told myself I wasn’t able to write without food but that was wrong. I am not able to write when I’m buffering with food.
-> I wrote another book but the experience was terrible. Overworking and over eating through out.

-> I told myself I was struggling. That was wrong too. I was falling back into old habits.

So! I decided to put my free time on the calendar, protect it at all costs, focus on weight loss and stopping buffering with food and just let the writing come if it will.
But that’s not what blew my mind this morning. Here’s my model today:

C: Cheeze-its
T: I shouldn’t eat them, it’s a mistake.
F: Pressure, guilt (action same for both)
A: Eat/ buffer away the feeling
R: I shouldn’t have eaten them, it was a mistake.

What??? What??? I’ve have been resisting pulling out that thought. “I shouldn’t eat them” didn’t feel like a thought worthy of a model. I told myself I didn’t know my thought, I didn’t have a thought. Are you kidding me? “I shouldn’t eat them” guarantees I will???????

Poof.