Shame leads to avoidance

Hi Brooke! I’ve been coached live a couple of times but have never gone back to watch myself being coached. The reason is that I anticipate feeling shame when I watch myself. When I don’t “see” myself I feel more confident, but when I see photos or videos of myself I feel unattractive and ashamed of my voice and communication and afraid who might see it. I thought it might be a good dare to watch myself on video, but I know that I will hold or replay that image in my mind, which makes me ashamed -> feel and act less confident.

For example, recently I won a small prize (a bottle of wine). I was telling some friends about the prize and my son overheard me and called me a show-off. He’s young and I know his words didn’t really mean anything. But I felt so much shame and it kept coming back in waves for several days, completely disproportionately to what had happened. I think that I’m more careful and less confident in my communication from that small incident.

So my question is, would it be helpful to watch videos of myself being coached if it generates shame and makes me even more self-conscious? Logically it seems better not to look at things that erode my confidence but the fact that I resist it so much makes me think this is a useful dare.

My current model is:
C see myself from the outside
T I look awful and talk badly
F shame
A withdraw, try to avoid seeing my myself from the outside
R feel better the longer I can forget how I look

I hope this makes sense and thank you.