Shame spiral

I was just on the Diamond call, which was so excellent! Bev gave me some really good inspiration on my thoughts on how long this is all taking me. I have one major obstacle that I’m working on. I feel like I am kind of under a blanket of shame that prevents me from properly using the SO tools. I have entirely too many Learn and Move On worksheets filled out, and likewise too many drink plans that have been decimated by my “screw it, it’s too hard” thoughts. The issue is that concurrently with my deciding to work on the SO asset (I had already had amazing success with the Stop Overeating program) my adult kids decided I drank too much and issued sort of an ultimatum for me. The general idea is “we love you as long as you don’t drink any alcohol at all”. My husband, on the other hand, loves to take me out to dinner and have wine with dinner so I have kept it in my life which I have felt was appropriate as long as I was using the drink plans, etc. If one of the kids discovers that I have gone out with my husband and had wine, there is this deathly sense of doom that overpowers everything, and then I go into buffering. The feeling that I am loved conditionally and I don’t always fulfill the conditions, sends me back to my self-loathing place and I feel as though the things I’ve learned from all of you about self compassion, not judging myself, giving myself time, etc all flies out the window. I think I can see myself cutting out alcohol entirely, but I would be doing it from a place of people pleasing and shame rather than that of being the best version of myself. When I think of the shame of that, sometimes I can still allow urges but for the most part the shame sends me on another round of buffering. Here is an example of a model that keeps repeating in my journaling:

C sugar and alcohol
T I overdid it again – I suck at this!!!
F Failed
A Eat more sugar
R No progress

C same
T I am just as lovable and valuable as I was before I overdid it
F Compassion
A Self-care – water, journaling, kind thoughts
R Better results tomorrow

I believe my intentional model for a short time after writing it, but then go back into the shame spiral when I mess up. I love my kids madly and it’s so frustrating to me that this is even a part of our relationship. I’m also angry at myself that I am letting it get in the way of the mind blowing progress that I was experiencing early on.