Stopping the judging spiral


A customer from work , complained about my (and my team’s) mistake. I freaked out for not discovering it when I audited it in the morning. I judged my freaking out – you are freaking out, you are not handling this cool.
Then shared my harsh judgements about myself to a coworker (because I wanted someone to tell me that I’m not doing a bad job, I wanted assurance from outside. I desperately wanted to feel better). He assured me it wasn’t a huge deal and I was doing a great job. I felt better for a second and immediately regretted sharing my vulnerability. He will be my peer reviewer for my promotion and I now have proved that I don’t trust myself.

Here are my models
C: customer complaint
T: I can’t believe I didn’t notice it earlier
F: Shame
A: run this drama about how badly I suck. Literally freak out
R: I feel out of control

C: feeling the fear in my body
T: You are freaking out and not being cool
F: Shame
A: desperately need to feel better. Vent with coworker
R: I judge my reaction and find temporary relief from outside

C: I say words to coworker
T: excellent, you have successfully ruined your promotion
F: Shame
A: quit. Tell myself I’m exhausted because of my brain
R: I ruin my promotion by quitting

Why is my brain so complicated?? I want a simpler brain please 🙂