Struggling With Acceptance And Loving My Husband

I have been asking for help , getting coached and working daily on same issue that I’m having – how can think loving thoughts when you constantly getting put down verbally , compared to others, when a man is not a provider , but whining bitch , when has no shame in any if that and doesn’t see it as a problem . It’s also very possible that there is some underlined psychiatrical disorder going on – behavior wise – similar to bipolar .I am not grasping something important here and have difficulties finding thoughts and love what is , the example with puppies in Brooks podcast doesn’t resonate with me because puppies don’t hurt you physically or verbally , they do depend on you completely , but I would never agree to this in relationship if I knew it ahead of time . I want to leave the marriage , but I want to get to loving place first – right now I am full of rage and blame and self pity . What am I missing ? Please , direct