The terror that comes with the beginning of success (lh)


I’m a performer, going balls out for what I want and have long been afraid of (before I began this thought work.) Slowly it’s starting to happen, from the beginning of the process. I’m finding where my blocks and fears are, I’m dealing with them. I’m getting paid, I’m getting jobs, I’m getting self-tape auditions in my small market. I’m starting to teach. All good.

Holy crap, the fear, panic, voices to just give up, stop now, who do I think I am at this age wanting to do this (same voices I heard in NY as an actor in my 20’s.)

I know to model this. I know these feelings are the result of 10,000 thoughts that are moving so fast I don’t even see them until I do a download. I know I can choose my thoughts. I know I’m automatically believing these automatic, unconscious thoughts and THEY’RE creating these emotions that are blasting through me. I know none of them are real so I might as well choose ones that lead to what I WANT to feel that will support me in pursuing and achieving these big, impossible goals. I know to look at what these feelings are now, and to ask what I feel like when I’ve already succeeded, take that feeling, find a thought to support it. I’ve been practicing this daily, and it’s why I’m here. Even that thought, “I’ve been practicing this daily, and it’s why I’m here.” is a useful, chosen thought. This entire paragraph is.

I woke up with my heart pounding, feeling nauseous. All of this is following me through the day. “Everything is figuroutable.” “These are feelings coming from thoughts, and I can choose my thoughts.”

I know from experience, in these times of growth I need to be gentle with myself. Tell myself “This is panic. It’s not so bad.” Be ok sitting in it as I gently work my way through. Also, stay gentle with myself. Look for some support from another human being – a friend with a hug – when I’d like some contact.

I’m pretty lucid right now. I’ve had an hour to work through this. I texted a coach friend. I told my daughter what’s going on. I’m writing to you. I don’t always have an hour to settle down

2 questions:

#1) Any tools to offer to manage the cycle of unconscious thoughts and incredible panic in the moment when my brain feels offline and I’m not easily accessing everything I’m writing here? Perhaps its just to keep repeating “Everything is figureoutable.”

#2) I spent last month making a brilliant 12 month plan and weekly plan. Suddenly I’m getting things – auditions, paid work, my theater business partner / mentor / friend / teacher has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer so my stepping into teaching or not has become immediate as he’s about to go into radiation and we don’t know if he’s coming out. If I want to finish training as a teacher and actor with him, it’s now. This changes my calendar. My head goes “BBBBLLLLAAAAAHHHHHH” I don’t have a daily program to follow anymore! I have to make time to redo it all! I’m alone! I can’t! AAAAAHHHHHH! I know this can be subject for a download and a bunch of models, and a coaching session.

Writing this out always slows my head down. Also, this is hard! Anyone have anything to coach me on for this?

I drop into overwhelm.