The Waiting Game


Hi Brooke!

Recently I’ve developed feelings for a coworker. Over the past few months, I’ve taken small steps to make my interest known and have been sensing that the feelings are mutual. Last night, I met him and a few of his friends for a drink after a work party we both attended. I left the work party early in order to attend a friend’s concert, and after the concert met up with coworker and friends. (Way too many things packed into one night.) At the end of the night, he and I walked back to our office where his car was parked. We made small talk during the walk back and then said good night. (To give a little back story, in the past I have always been too shy or afraid of rejection to speak up about having feelings for someone. I just sit there quietly hoping that they’ll fall head over heels for me and will be able to read my mind that the feelings are mutual. Through SCS I have learned that I don’t like being that idle person and have worked on my thoughts about fear of rejection, etc. I digress…) As coworker and I were parting ways, I decided to put myself out there. I walked back up to him and simply asked him if he was interested in me and told him that I am interested in him. (this is the part where I sound crazy, because the outcome was positive…well the outcome is neutral, my thought is that it was objectively positive). In response to my question, he said that he would like to go out on a date, but seemed a little apprehensive (which is my own thought, I know). Fast forward to today, and I’m a big bundle of anxiety. In part, because I put myself out there and although he said he would like for us to go out, we don’t have plans to do so as of yet, so I’m just waiting to see what happens, which in your words “feels like ass.” I’m also anxious because all of this occurred after the consumption of one too many cocktails. (I’m working on that as well in SCS.) So in addition to feeling anxious about putting myself out there, I’m also anxious about not having shown up as the most Audrey Hepburn, ultra composed and charming version of myself. (I was however Audrey-esque at the work party). Today, I feel like end-of-the-night me was more Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook than Audrey. (That’s a bit of a dramatization, but hopefully you get my movie reference and my point).

So today, I’m trying to figure out how to feel better instead of feeling anxious. I have done a thought download and recognize that I am not that anxious about having put myself out there. I’m more anxious because I did it when I had been drinking. I’m having trouble coming up with thoughts that make me feel confident, at peace or at ease. Maybe a thought ladder would help me get to a thought that feels believable. Also, originally, in my C line I put “told coworker about my feelings and asked if they were mutual after one too many cocktails” but I realize that probably isn’t the right C because I would feel totally different if we had made definitive plans or the whole thing had worked out just like a rom-com where someone professes their feelings and its followed by a dramatic kiss and the two people riding off into the sunset. So should my C be coworker’s response? Any guidance you can give would be great. Here are some unintentional models I’ve done…

C: coworker’s response
T: I made a fool of myself
F: anxious
A: waste time obsessing about situation
R: wasted time

C: coworker’s response
T: would have been different if I hadn’t been drinking (I recognize this could be totally false)
F: anxious/regretful
A: waste time obsessing about situation
R: wasted time

C: coworker’s response
T: seemed hesitant, thus probably not interested
F: anxious/vulnerable
A: waste time obsessing about situation
R: wasted time

Intentional Model:
C: coworker’s response
T: ?
F: confident/at peace/at ease
A: move on with my day being a productive human
R: accomplish work and household tasks