This Hurts

Night four of no drinking. My feeling are so painful. I am clear I want to stop the daily buffering but what lies here underneath makes me sob. I keep telling myself the worst thing that can happen is a feeling- but thoughts of leaving a marriage that’s been mediocre for 18 years, saying goodbye to the “happy family” I’ve been trying to create, making my three kids kids with divorced parents, admitting I’ve been too scared to leave cause I feel I’ll never find a better match (my husband is really a good good guy) , the realization that we are not a good fit and I can’t make him different – feel earth and identity shattering. What next?