Today’s model

I wanted to share a model I did today. It feels important. I have lived in thoughts of being ignored or neglected for a long time. Today I was feeling annoyed at our dynamic pastor who I long for attention from cause I think it makes me feel worthy. I have worked together with him at times, and I thought he cared about me, but he seems to care less if I’m at church or not. Today doing my models I found out that when I stopped resisting my “anger thoughts” … I come up with some intense feelings.
C: Haven’t been to church in 4 weeks, Pastor has not called to check in.
T: He’s hasn’t noticed cause he doesn’t care about me, he is an ass. (Two thoughts I know.. but both there!!).
F: Pissed
A: Call him mean names in my head, convince myself he is not as great as I once thought, act rude toward him – if only in my head
R: I don’t care about me.

C: I have not been to church in 4 weeks, Pastor has not checked in
T: People checking in on me makes me feel cared about and worthy
F: Tender to myself
A: I inquire into my feelings of “wanting to be checked on”, I remember the little girl I once was who wanted her Dad to check in on her and he didn’t, I pay attention to the “grown me” now who wants attention, I give myself attention
R: I check in on me.

Wow… I stopped blaming someone else (resisting) and allowed feeling of “wanting”… allowed it all the way, and realized there was pain .. AND it is my job to check in on me. The pastor will never make me feel better. My attention to me supports me. When I’m looking outside for it, blaming, swearing at others for not giving it, and wronging others for not checking in on me, I never have to confront the emotions of sadness… and I never get the honor of paying attention to myself.