Hi Brooke,
I am so grateful to have an opportunity to go through scholars again. I honestly can’t tell you how many times a day I think, “I can’t imagine getting through this if I was still drinking” or “I dont know how I would do this without scholars.”

But, I am afraid I am on the brink of my biggest challenge yet. I am just really afraid right now, I dont have an actual diagnosis or plan. I had a bad pap at the end of the year and went back yesterday for a follow up. My doctor said that she can see a small mass on my cervix. I can literally feel all of the blood draining from my face as I write this. I have a 2 year old daughter that I want to be with, I have impossible goals I am working toward ;). I just can’t even deal with any of my emotions right now. I am working some models, but they are murky and I think right now I just have to sit with the intense anxiety. And when the time comes, resolve to fight with all that I can.

I want to share what happened last night with my husband. We had talked mid day and he knew what the doctor said, etc. I had envisioned cuddling and talking and emotional and physical support from him. Instead, he came home with a 12 pack and a plan to watch the hockey game. I know that my objection to this is all in my manual for marriage and for him. But, even though I have tried modeling it, I can’t seem to see my way through.

I think it may be something like the following:
C Cancer Screening
T I am dying
F Out of my mind fear, wanting to be comforted
A Lashing out
R Feeling isolated

C Cancer Screening
T I am dying
F Out of my mind fear, wanting to be comforted
A Asking for or initiating affection
R Receiving comfort

I can see how this model changes the outcome for the better, but I also want to shout at him (which I did, ineffectively), “Be a human being, a loving person. Obviously I dont want to watch you get drunk and watch hockey. I can barely sit in my skin right now. I just want support.” Totally ineffective. But also how I feel. We ended up in separate rooms and I really was alone with my anxiety all evening and all night long as well. I really dont know where to go from here.

Thank you for whatever insight you can provide here.