Was it all so I could accept myself

Hi Brooke,
In this months homework on relationships my person is an old friend that I have always hoped that I would end up with. I have never told him this, we have always had a great connection, but for my part I hid my feelings from him. We live in different countries and both have young children so it is very unlikely we will end up together.

For years I have been obsessed with trying to see clues of whether he feels the same way and that we would then get our ‘fairy tale ending’. I know these thoughts don’t serve me and keep me stuck in the past. I have always waited for cues from him before I would act, and can see how this could have contributed to where we are now.
I have always had shame about my feelings for him, when we were single I didn’t want him to know in case he rejected me and I lost him as a friend. Now he is married shame for feeling like that for a married man.

I have been really trying to understand why I am so fixated on the thought that he is the perfect person for me as I know it doesn’t serve me, although don’t think I have nailed what the result that thought creates…and even the feeling, I think it might be hopeful.

So I have been trying to gain insight via other angles and as I have been doing the work this month the thought that came out was; what if I didn’t feel shame about how I felt about him and instead accepted it, would I then be so worried about how he felt. I think that I have been fixated on how he felt because if he felt the same way, then that would validate how I feel. But removing the need for validation allows me to accept myself and how I feel about him. This realisation has seemed to shift something and I am finding myself wanting to resist dropping the thought he is the perfect person for me. I am trying the thought I love him and being accepting of that.

But feel I am missing something, could I have really spent years thinking he is the perfect person for me purely because I could accept my own feelings for him and so needed him to desperately feel the same ways so I could accept myself? Or have I just got all my models mixed up?