So today, my mom made cookies. This isn’t an unusual situation, she presents me with sweets once or twice a day.

When the cookies came out of the oven, she asked me if I wanted any and I responded with the usual oh no thank you’s. Then I went to the kitchen to let the dog out, and stood and looked at those cookies knowing I wanted them. I thought through the thoughts from my future self like “I love how stable my blood sugar is when I’m fat adapted” and “I love that I don’t spend my evenings looking for sugar anymore,” “I feel so proud when I see the number on the scale go down.” And then, after I let the dog back in, I shut off my thoughts and ate a cookie. (Looking back I simply chose to stop trying to persuade myself not to eat them.) While eating it, I paid exclusive attention to the cookie, thought it tasted kind of, well, like a cheap freezer section cookie and that I didn’t really like it. Then I ate a second cookie.

If I look back far enough I remember eating my dinner and thinking “This salad is boring, I’ve had a long day, I’m sore, I want to eat a whole box of cookies and a pot of tea and watch Netflix until bed instead of facing my unfinished project.” I think the second the cookies went into the oven, I decided that I would eat at least a few of them, and then just kept trying to deny that thought.

I’m not beating myself up about it at all, but I am trying to figure out what I can do now, so that I can have my back in the future.

Any advice would be appreciated!