This problem starting for me somewhere in my early thirties. The problem, eating in the middle of the night. It began, atleast I believe, as a substitute for nicotine I was a pretty heavy smoker from my teen years through to about 30 ish. I smoked a pack a day and most nights would wake up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, smoke a cigarette and then go back to bed- (so attractive!) Doing this over the years made quitting smoking a huge challenge but as long as I didn’t have them in the house I could make it through the night. Unfortunately what was in the house was food, and so it began, stumbling to the fridge for a midnight snack or 2 depending on the stress of the day. I realize it is stress eating the same as day time but it has a different feel- like….it’s not me, or it’s okay I ate really good in the day.

Lots of thoughts creating the feels around it. Sadly one of the biggest and most controlling is waking up thinking – once again you did this to yourself again, feeling defeated. Fast forward to today I am 53 and it is still an issue. This has carried through the last 23 years and has changed some with the changes I’ve gone though but never the less I still find myself in the kitchen at 1 am eating something I wouldn’t have in the daytime. Miraculously I have manged to keep my weight within reason but not easily. I say miraculously because in my early 20’s I was anorexic, shifting to bulimic after not being able to starve myself any longer. Bulimia shifted to lots of exercise , and food education and now where I am today is managing through nutrition exercise and education but not reaching my goal weight and feeling like I am on the edge of just being overweight and throwing in the towel.

Through the last 8 months of Scholars I have been able to watch how I have handled this and continue to find it fascinating just how my brain wants to keep status quo and how my mind works but I haven’t found the key(s) to my goal weight. Some additional background- I was sexually abused as a child by a family member, exploited as a teen, pregnant at 16, divorced at 18, remarried at 20, 2 more children, lots of craziness in between, a billion hours and dollars on therapy, 6 time Ironman from ages 40 to 51, married almost 34 years to a saint, self employed through 2 businesses for 31 years. Currently, made it through last night not eating in the middle of the night but for sure thinking the other me is just waiting till the sun goes down tonight. I find all of this fascinating as I look over the years and see how I’ve tied things together and have been successful in so many areas and yet always coming back to what I weigh, what size I am, what I look like and what I eat. I think that I have spent enough time doing “this” I’d like to write another script for the next 30 years.

.I included a picture that I thought might humor you, It’s my daughter and I, 3 years ago being silly, at a heavier weight.