I am 13 hours flight away from my home country. Yesterday was grandma’s birthday. She was turning 92. Normally, this would be my time to fly back home with my family and have a big celebration with the extended family. But with current travel restrictions, it was a zoom meeting.

C- 17 august- Grandma’s birthday
T- I miss my extended family
F- sad
A- wanting to cry, not interacting with the family on zoom for fear I might cry, I have been suppressing the feeling a long time. was never even willing to admit that I miss my extended family until I’ve started doing some self coaching work
R- I’m avoiding my extended family as I am avoiding the pain of missing them

After the zoom meeting, I was getting my 6 year old daughter ready for bed
C- Daughter fell down on purpose to be funny (is this a C? I could tell she was making this funny sound and having the cheeky look on her face as she let go of my hand and fell on her bottom)
T- I think my daughter doesn’t know what is good for her
F- judgement
A- I said “falling down on purpose is stupid”. I was thinking “why do you want to injure yourself”. Straight away to ruminating to worst case possibility – “she won’t be able to look after herself when she is bigger when she cannot make good decision”. I asked my daughter what hurt but not in a caring tone.
R- I am avoiding unconditional love towards my daughter as I am avoiding the pain of missing her in the future.

I start seeing the pattern of what I am doing – I am avoiding loving my family for fear of getting hurt.