As I begin writing this, at this moment, my husband is searching for our dog of 4 years that he lost. I can’t do anything else to help him search. I have the police headed that way to help and have no idea what has happened.
Earlier today, he insisted on taking our new puppy down to the dock and in that process, through either lack of supervision, carelessness, or possibly a mistake, our puppy’s foot was caught in the gate and he was crying and limping and we had to take him to the emergency vet. all of this while we are in quarantine. The puppy is on pain medication, nothing is broken, he will be fine.
You may think my husband is just having a tough day. That would not be true- expect it is certainly worse than a typical day.
My Story: I have a wonderfully loving, intelligent, highly accomplished, successful, ambitious, determined; stubborn, controlling, forgetful, unaware, clumsy husband who I love very much. I have worked very hard on myself.
C: I have a husband who frequently loses things including living things.
T: I have worked on this many times and have changed this many times over the years of working on myself… here they are in order…
T1: I am working on relaxing and being more patient T2: I will be more helpful to supplement where our strengths and weaknesses complement each other
T3: I will check out and let him be his own 53 year old adult and work through the consequences of his own decisions and choices
F1: Peaceful and hopeful F2: Anxious and on guard F3: Relaxed and Indifferent
A1: Keep my mouth shut, don’t criticize, don’t give an opinion and just take deep breaths
A2: Lots of thinking and planning for 2- cover all the bases, anticipate what he will think and do and try to be there to cover the misses
A3: Truly only worry about myself, my actions, my words and truly allow him to live in his own world that he creates (unless he asked for help, which is rare)
R: I was bottling it up, I couldn’t relax and just meditate my frustrations away so it didn’t work because I would still be frustrated and then I wouldn’t react very well to him once it affected me or pushed me over the edge
R2: I became exhausted and resentful. However, I was able to be extremely helpful in avoiding of forgetting things. covering lots of tracks, covering for him in situations, saving time by thinking and planning ahead when he doesn’t so we could be on time and properly prepared for things as a couple. But still ultimately resentful.
R3: Definitely by far the most peaceful place to allow myself to be fairly disinterested in the outcomes. Know that we would be late because he would forget something. Know that he won;t have his wallet, know that he will search for 20 minutes for his phone, etc…. and I just accepted it as part of our world.
So here is the real problem. All of those things I can handle- small stuff, right? forgetting wallets and phones and being late all the time… I hate it, but I don;t feel responsible for it anymore. The problem I do have is the fact that the real circumstance here is that he is in certain ways, an irresponsible person. He takes risks, pushes the envelope and doesn’t like or agree with rules. While that serves him well in many areas, it doesn’t make me feel safe at all. Accidents happen with him. Things are broken, dogs are lost, I know that we could get in a car accident if he drives because he emails and texts while driving so I just drive everywhere, etc…
I feel he is responsible for the puppy being hurt this morning, he is responsible for losing our dog tonight, he is responsible for the boat that quit because he didn’t check that the battery was charged enough, he is responsible for the fact that his phone charge is dying because he didn’t plan to charge it before leaving… the list is long, and this is just today.
I’m exhausted from him. I’m exhausted from trying to think the best thoughts to create the results I want. I know I won’t change him. I’m trying to have a good plan for myself as to how I can live with him and be happy with myself in it. I can’t talk to him- he is defensive and critical and stubborn and nothing is ever his fault. I want to feel confident in my approach, rather than continuing to test new ones and failing. I’m not sure what the part of the model needs to be in order to help me get there.
I’m sorry this is so long, I am trying very hard to coach myself and after many months, I have run into a wall with it. Any coaching advice would be so much appreciated.