I don’t feel congratulations are in order entering my 7th month. But having said that what more do I have to access to and will my level of membership be updated to access of other things?
I joined SCS in February for the over drinking program and really have not ever really stuck to it and therefore I am still stuck. I decided I am going to commit to doing the work in August on Our Purpose. I briefly read through the book and have some questions. I understand that are purpose is to just exist and how we want to exist is up to us. What if my only purpose in life is to be happy? Is that a reasonable sentence to make life more fun and really be the person I want to be? I want to really be a better wife. I want to not be dependent on my adult children as my friends and just make my job grandma.
I know much of my happiness stems from my over drinking and over eating. I know how to make myself a better wife but I don’t act on them basically because I think for so long I am just so unhappy with myself and my husband gets the brunt. Nobody in my world would ever know how unhappy I am by looking at my external life and how I present myself. Only my husband and children know the real me and that I am just not a happy person.
I think alot of my buffering is from well ingrained habit and a way to occupy my time. I get bored easily and have a hared time just “being” and “feeling”. I were to watch TV on a Wednesday morning and then flip to a movie etc…I would start to get depressed. It’s like I always have to be “doing”. I think one of the reasons it has been so hard to get myself motivated in scholars is I think everything that I have learned makes so much sense but I have great difficulty being accountable to myself to commit to the work without loosing momentum. It’s like if I had a life coach that I could drive too each week and go back and show my work I have done,
I think I would be making more progress. I once signed up for 6 sessions and then reneged very quickly because I got scared. I got scared by all my crazy thoughts. “What if I don’t click with the coach?” “I feel stupid doing this”, “Oh, alcohol is just a circumstance so just don’t pick it up” Simple…Done! NO!! I know I am going off on tangents here but I want to try again. I guess my question for this month are: Can my purpose for my life is just to be happy? Should I be doing the course “How to feel better” instead of this monthly work or with it? Is it as simple as that and then have to make all the changes and do the work that I know I have been avoiding to get to a place of happiness? Does the purpose have to be more specific like working the OD course again or is that just part of the work under wanting to be happy. I guess what I’m saying is should I concentrate on the over drinking only or make it one of the ways to attain happiness among a million other ways I can change in my thoughts, feelings, actions? I’m not sure I’m making sense. I guess I’ll know if the answers to my questions are answered without thinking “no that’s not what I meant”. But I guess I’ll just have to keep asking.
Thanks,
RG also again, now that I am entering my 7th month, what changes?
