This week I have social meets Tues (private art viewing), Weds (neighbour popping by for a catch up), Thurs (old acquaintance coming for dinner and will stay over) and Friday (going to an old friends new home for dinner).
I’m feeling a bit anxious about the engagements because I don’t want to talk about me. Why? Because I have nothing positive to offer.
I am in the process of moving in with my mother – for her care, but it also benefits me financially in that I am able to rent out my flat – and the last month seems to have been consumed by this upcoming change in living arrangement and all the form filling/process and procedures that goes along with it.
I haven’t been social with friends (one-on-one) or in a room of strangers on my own (art-viewing) for months. A week like this used to be the norm pre-Covid, so I can see how I have maybe got comfortable with my own company alone with my daughter. I don’t talk to many people in the week, now I work from home, and when I do I’m coaching. I feel that so much has changed in the last 18 months or so that I don’t know who I am anymore, or who I am becoming. I honestly do feel like I’m in a cocoon, not ready to emerge; but on the flip side I tell myself that it’s important I break the seal and start being with people again – for me and my business. Which side of this seal do I honor whilst remaining authentic?
C: Social meets in diary Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday
T: I have nothing positive to offer
F: Anxious
A: I want to cancel everything and hide; dread the engagements; repeat in my head how I don’t want to go or host; wish I hadn’t arranged the meets; find all the things in my environment that would justify me cancelling – no time to clean; not got the right cooking equipment here as it’s moved to mums; procrastinate planning and confirming with people; not excited; think of all the things I could be doing instead; not focussing on the fun conversations that could be had; not creatively thinking of activity, fun, interest in the life of the friend; focussed on lack – time, tools, energy, conversation; thinking thoughts of burden – have to host, have to clean, have to cook; forget I have a choice in the matter
R: I being nothing positive to the week by creating dread around engagements being a thing to do, rather than opportunity to show up as friend
