A dear friend wants more time than I can give


Hello, Coaches. I’m a little bit stuck in my models and would love your help.

My dear friend of many years has been asking for more time from me than I feel I can give. This comes up with us every so often and especially lately as my business has gotten a lot busier and I have less time for phone calls and visits (we live 90 minutes apart).
She says things about “work/life balance” and how for her “it’s not all about work.” She says things like, “Well, I hope we’ll be able to get together soon” even when we have something on the calendar already and she’ll say this three or four times in a 30 minute call.
I know it’s my thoughts about these things that are bothering me but I still find myself annoyed and resentful. I’ve worked so hard to get my business and financial life up and running on my own, and I’m definitely judging her as being less supportive than I’d like – a manual for sure. I feel cornered and chased rather than invited, and while I know these are my thoughts, I can’t seem to wiggle out of them.

I did a thought download about them and realized that they are a kind of energetic pattern I fall into even outside my friendship with C. That’s why I really want to sort this out – because it is affecting us and I know things could be better if I could get my thoughts clear and also I can see this pattern touching other relationships in my life, though not to this intense degree.

Here’s my UM:
C: C asking me to get together more often
T: She shouldn’t pressure me
F: resentment
A: I don’t answer the phone, I judge her, I argue and defend internally (in my mind), I complain
R: Our friendship feels strained and a little fake

I couldn’t think of a new thought related to this model, so I asked myself how I want to feel about my friend and our friendship and the answer was love and trust. I plugged “love” into the F line of my IM:

C: C asking me to get together more often
T: She’s a wonderful friend
F: love
A: I frame her requests as love, not pressure. I tell the truth kindly about my schedule. I ask for her support.
R: Our friendship is based on truth-telling and love

This model feels better but not quite on the money yet.

I made notes about the feelings that might help:

Resentment: Lots unsaid. An old pattern of pursuit and eluding. Also a pattern of over-giving and lying and sucking it up.
Love: I’m exploring the possibility that the love can be steady without requiring my compliance or lying or sucking it up.

Will be so grateful for your insight on this, Coaches. She really is a great friend in so many ways and I do love her. We’ve weathered many storms over these 25 years and I want to find my way to being kind and clear and loving to her and to myself. Thank you so much.