A decision to move back to my homeland

I moved to Australia almost 14 years ago from the UK, but over the past 4 years, I have been experienced the ups and downs of homesickness. These feelings come and go, and I feel the questions of whether I should move (and when) have been a constant background noise.

With aging parents and all my family back home, I have felt the ‘pull’ home even stronger these past 18 months due to COVID and the borders of Australia closed. I do now have an exemption to leave, but coming back would be a very expensive and tricky thing to do as Australia has strict flight quotas.

I do feel as though I have never felt fully settled in Australia (I never intended to come for this long!), and even now I am in a relationship which is challenging at times (we have been together 2.5 years), a part time job (which I do not enjoy) and 2 years ago moved to a rural location which can feel isolating. I have also started my own online business about 6 months ago.

I lost my Aunt 6 weeks ago in the UK which was very challenging, and it felt very hard emotionally to not be there with my family for the funeral or to grieve together. This also brought these feelings/decisions of staying/going to the front of my mind again.

When I look it at things I can see two sides. On one side I feel safe living in a rural location with what is happening with COVID across the world, and I have a ‘known’ outcome short term – e.g. I have a partner, roof over my head and part time job to earn money while I build my business. This feels ‘safe’, but also hard/sad to accept missing out on the precious time I have left with my parents. I’m also tired of never feeling ‘settled’.

On the other side a move back to the UK is full of unknowns e.g. where I would live, will I find work while I grow my business, will things work out… Will I regret moving home? How will I adjust to 14 years away? This feels scary and I know I will have to break up with my partner and go through some emotionally challenging times if I choose this path.

I feel this question has weighed me down for years. I have just recently joined Scholars and would love some help to unpack this.

Originally I kept telling myself I will move back when my business is supporting me financially, but this adds so much pressure on myself. I also think to myself, well why not just move back and build the business in the UK if that is my end goal?

Right now, I know I am not feeling good where I am in my life, and I feel too scared/fearful to do anything different! Added to this confusion is the unknown of whether airlines will still fly from Australia if I choose not to have the vaccine – so another pressure/unknown factor I am placing on myself, and causing me to feel urgency/almost panic to hurry up and make a decision.

I’m sorry this is so long! Thank you.