a little grab-ass

I’ve really allowed quite a few urges as of late. But today, I just wanted to eat a little bit off protocol, so I had some rice (which I said I wouldn’t have) with my planned pre-dinner snack.

I know what triggered all of this – I was “feeling fat” this morning as a result of what I ate last night, and the scale was up 2 lbs this morning.

C scale showed two pounds heavier this morning than yesterday
T “That’s it!!! You’re getting fat!! You better fix it now before it’s too late!” (I don’t know who’s voice this is, but that’s what it’s saying).
F Self-hatred
A analyze body for more fat, pinch the fat on my arms, assess to see if my face is getting fatter, criticize myself in store windows when walking by, notice body fat jiggling, notice pants are more tight, compare myself to other girls who are exercising
R my life passes me by, while all I’m focused on is food and weight…it’s already “too late”

And also…and this is a big one…

C Feeling “fat”
T I’m so disgusting
F Self-hatred
A Pick self apart
R Disgusted with my lack of progress toward my goals

C Feeling “fat”
T Why can’t I fix this?
F Defeated
A Curl in a ball, ruminate, have urges to eat more
R Don’t take action to fix it, with respect to my mind or body

These are just my awareness models. Open to any feedback. I’m still very much feeling fat, and would like to move out of it. I often will exercise so I can get rid of this “feeling”, but I think that actually might be buffering.