A Loving Relationship

I know I want to show up to work my horses feeling love.

I see myself getting caught up in what I call fix it mode – I see a physical item, like hurting feet and want to “fix it”. In the past this looks like – oh you could feed herbs, or you didn’t feed enough herbs or you fed the wrong mix – wasn’t quite right, and that is why she is hurting right now.

My body locks up when I ask myself why I am blaming myself for her pain. I sit with the feeling and then – I feel I could have shown up better. I never keep a steady schedule and she always asks me for it. I think that would really help and I don’t do it, so I feel guilty.

I say that is past, perfect. What about now? I am making progress on this issue.

My worst case scenerio is that there was something I could do, and I didn’t. Since I didn’t, its past and therefore a perfect representation of my level of understanding at that time.

When I go out and see the hurting feet ( it looks like they hurt to me), I don’t see my horse, only her feet and I get all wrapped up in what is the most loving thing to do. I am standing in indecision, arguing with myself about the things I could do instead of having a beautiful conversation with her.

Some models:

C: walking haltingly
T: her feet hurt and I should do what i can to help her with that
F: resentful
A: indecision, I’ve tried all the things then argue things are different now and I’d get a different outcome, then I think of the time I spent away from her doing the herbs and don’t want to go back there. I tell myself “There is always more than one way. ” I can try something different. I feel cruel and heartless not going after this, but I am tired of “going after this”.
R: I create the suffering for myself that I see in her.

Not sure this is a “clean model” and would welcome feedback.

Another aspect:

C: see halting walk
T: I would love to ride her when her feet are better.
F: longing
A: try to make her feet better so I feel ok riding her; doesn’t feel good
R: I tangle myself in her stuff, her feet, instead, of getting clear on why I want to interact.

Why do I want to interact? I want to have a conversation.
Why do I want the conversation? To discover myself.

C: see Mahogany
T: I go and see her.
F: glad
A: trying doing things together;, discover likes and dislikes, have conversations about how to get something done in a way that honors both of us; learn to trust my calls for her and me; honor my boundaries, honor hers. Develop a “safe” working space where exploration and mistakes are fine. By interacting with her I am getting a clearer definition of myself.
R: I can see myself more clearly.

I would welcome suggestions on where there is work, where the models aren’t clean.

Thank you!