A Payback


I immigrated to the US, met the man who is now 8 years my husband and ever since I came here we were surrounded by his friends and family, all whom accepted me and I them from the first moment.
Each time my own friends or family members come for a visit, though, he is cold, distant and appears to be anything but the man I know.

I spoke with him few times and told him my friends and family point out to me that he seems as if he is angry when they are around or at best, just removed and not interested.
He said that he can’t pretend to like them and that some of them are primitive and boring and that he cannot put on a show.

I pointed out to him that numerous times he took me to meet some friends or family that I didn’t care about that much, but for the duration of the meeting I was still polite, warm, and kind. I knew that I could change my thoughts about them and make myself feel and act differently.

As the past years would have it, it’s a repeated pattern and sure enough my family came for a visit last week and he basically said hello and then stayed in his room or went out the entire visit.

The issue is that I understand that I cannot put “he behaved coldly” in the C line, however, all of us agreed that this is how he behaved, including him, so I will put it here just to show you where I am at.

These are the models I live in:

C= Husband behaved coldly towards my family
T= I’m going to give him a payback and treat his family the same way
F= Vengeful
A= Behave coldly towards his family when we meet next
R= He learns his lesson (?)

C= Husband behaved coldly towards my family
T= It’s a waste of time to talk with him about this
F= Frustrated, Upset
A= Act coldly towards HIM
R= We grow apart but I had my say

These models are not fun to live at and I asked myself how do I want to feel when he behaves this way towards my family and friends?

And while I know I cannot change him I don’t want to be cool with that.

I know how much patience and warmth and hospitality I express towards so many of his friends and family and I expect mine to be treated equally, even if that means to put on a show.
But I also need to accept that he might stay this way and never be willing to change or put on any act, so now what?

My brain offers me these options at the moment: divorce him or payback – act the same way towards him and his family.

I wonder if you could see objectively other alternatives?