I am troubled by my daughter’s act. She ordered ingredients for a cheesecake off of instacart. Made the cheesecake. Put the cheesecake in the fridge. Proceeded to keep the cheesecake a secret from everyone. Says that no one can have a piece of the cheesecake because it is hers. She spent all the time making it, and wants it for herself. She may think she deserves it because she stayed home and picked up the house while we went camping as a family without her, but it was her choice to stay home. She doesn’t like to camp.

Here are my models:

C: She says that we can’t have any, it is just for her
T: She is being selfish
F: Angry
A: Take away any food that we make for ourselves from her
R: She models her future behavior on our action, and continues to double down on selfishness

T: I raised a daughter that thinks it is OK to be selfish
F: Guilty
A: Blame self for this failure of parenting, bash my actions in the past, Think I am incapable of parenting her, give up on parenting her, Throw up my hands
R: She continues to be selfish because she doesn’t know any better about social norms, because I didn’t take the time to teach her.

T: She is such a bitch
F: Angry
A: Don’t thank her for cleaning the house or taking care of it while we were gone. No love for her. Take away her things out of anger. Set unreasonable expectations that she can never meet or we can uphold as far as a rule set is concerned. Withhold love from her.
R: She gets parented from a place of hate and anger. She is loved conditionally.

T: I’ve lost my relationship with my daughter
F: Sad
A: Cry about it, Blame myself for creating this selfishness, breeding it, and supporting it. Don’t talk to her until she apologizes for being selfish. Coerce her into saying something she doesn’t believe in. Beat myself up for making the wrong choices.