aargh, compassion

Please help me, please read this and help me with my thoughts.

I have been in much pain around “my person” of the past 17 years. I think I am learning that he was an over the top liar, and I am coming to terms with his narcissism…he lied to create the outcome he wanted to see. He lied to me.

Prior to him, I believed no one could ever “dupe me” or “get me” that way.
Unfortunately I got to see myself slowly accommodate to his selfishness in the name of love and shared vision.

Fairly recently, he ended it. Sort of. Asked for space. Did not break up with me. We are not spending time together now. I am interpreting that as me still being “Plan B”.

He said he wanted to be more authentic.

This is after he sold his company and became a multi-millionaire.

Oh my god. Am I one of his versions of not being authentic.

This is so terrible.

Now I am struggling with how to frame it. I have decided that out of respect for myself, I will not have a relationship with him ever again. No way should someone ever break up with me like that, leaving everything open, keeping me wanting him.

I have a lot of anger, and in some ways I see myself as abused, because he lied so many times the past 17 yrs, broke so many promises, and so often talked me into his agenda.

I have been coming to terms with my role in it- my desire to love and be loved no matter what- to accommodate rather than discern. I became codependent, I accidentally lived out my childhood neglect. Prior to this, I chose guys who did not trigger it.

So now I’d like to feel better.

I love the idea of having compassion for him. If I can.

Because my anger begets more anger. 17 years of lies.

Could you help me find thoughts that I can be strong, loving and productive with?

I could say, I am so happy he is becoming authentic. I am so happy our relationship helped him be authentic.

However I am so unhappy that he didn’t really love me. He is leaving me in order to be authentic.

Or do you think all this is bullshit and the reality is that he found a hot chick that wants him, now that he has lots of money, now that he is a multimillionaire.

… aargh!