about having unrequited feelings for someone


Hi, I discovered the Life Coach School and the model recently, and joined SCS just this month.

I have a question about romantic love. I am 31 and have been single for most of my life, so I don’t have a lot of experience with that. To be clear, I am perfectly fine with that today (though I haven’t always been). I don’t develop crushes easily. I sincerely don’t think I need to be a relationship to be complete, and ‘finding a partner’ just isn’t a goal that I have set for myself. In fact, the topic of relationships isn’t why I joined SCS, but I am making an exception with this question because I have been struggling with a strong crush on someone for a year, and I find it increasingly distracting and painful.

This is the second time in my life that I find myself in that situation. Both times, it was with a person that I had known for years, and developed romantic feelings for slowly over time.
Years ago, I expressed my feelings to that first person who told me it wasn’t mutual – gently, but it was still rejection. Today, I don’t *know* that it is unrequited as I haven’t confessed yet (I am planning to, not now), but I strongly suspect that it is too.

Like I said, I’m not interested in relationships most of the time – but at the same time, I can’t pretend I haven’t been affected by the way modern society idealizes romantic love. Of course the *idea* of being in love with someone who returns my feelings sounds nice to me. Lately I have been thinking about those crushes, about how strong my feelings are/were, and I start thinking: “if it’s so nice, why can’t I experience it for once?”

When I try to apply the model to the situation, I get:
C I have never been in love and found that the person loves me back
T Why can’t I experience this at least once
F Bitter, conceited
A Sulking, lying about my feelings
R My chances of finding love are diminished

I have tried to find an alternative thought to counter the above model, but I haven’t found something that works for me.
Here’s the thing: I realize that my attitude about this doesn’t help me ‘find love’. But at the same time, ‘finding love’ in general isn’t a goal of mine, at least not right now. If I wasn’t in a situation where I have feelings for one particular person, I wouldn’t be thinking about it at all. And if that person were to have feelings for me, then the model wouldn’t be true anymore. But this depends entirely on this one person’s feelings, which I have no control over.

If I was trying to find a partner, I could do a ‘do goal’ as suggested on the podcast, and try going on 200 dates. But I can’t exactly do the same for this person (imagine trying to invite them somewhere 200 times, that would be weird and creepy!).

So what can I do, instead? One concept from the LCS podcast that really spoke to me was, the universe doesn’t owe me anything. I don’t have any *right* to finding someone for me, it’s not a birthright, etc. It makes sense to me. But it doesn’t help me feel better yet. I also understand, intellectually, the idea that I alone am responsible for my own happiness, that I can choose what to think in order to feel.

Is it that I simply haven’t practiced the model enough? (probably!) am I idealizing the idea of romantic love too much? I read somewhere (I don’t remember where) that if you find yourself only falling for people who don’t return your feelings, then the problem lies with yourself and your expectations. If it is true, I am unsure what to make of it, how to apply the model in this situation.

In any case, I would love to hear a coach’s perspective on this! Thanks in advance.