Absolutely hate my job


Hi Brooke,
My job is literally killing me. I am so stressed out, I have chest pains, not to mention getting depressed, overeating, isolation etc
I work at a job that I choose to work because if I quit or try to change it in the next 2 years, I will lose my immigration status and will have to return to my home country. I worked for 10 years to get to this position in the US living in horrible conditions and being discriminated daily, so it is killing to give up now, but it is also killing me to stay.
I have been doing TDLs and models on my job for 6 months. Some days it is better, other’s I am about to reach my breaking point. You say it is all about thoughts. Ok, right now I feel judged, hated, rejected, monitored, vilanized, blamed, gossiped about.
I feel that I was giving a bad staff and I have zero say in it. (No control over firing, hiring, writing up etc) Upper management doesn’t listen to me.

I want to feel liked, included, treated like a human being (I had surgery, no one even asked how I was feeling when I returned to the office. I was coming to work with I.V line sticking out of my arm,making Drs app in early AM and coming to work for 11 hour day the same day because there is no one to cover me, and not one employee asked how I am doing.
I had a car accident, and no one asked how I was doing either.
I had a death in my family, my staff didn’t ask again, basic human decency. They write condolences postcards to other colleagues of mine in similar situation but not for me.
I had a bday, they did a surprise party for everyone else but not for me).
You say circumstances are neutral, I think Judge would agree with me that I am being treated liek crap. But all I can do is change my thoughts about it. Well, my staff makes mistakes every 10 min. I created write guides and manuals for them. I type documents for them so they don’t make mistakes. I give them daily feedback. It is written in black and white and they still don’t read it, don’t pay attention to it and make mistakes. And when I run to fix it they complain that I am being too abrupt and make them feel uneasy or stupid. I should just make a joke when they make a mistake to lighten up a situation.. in the mean time, I am boiling because I even wrote everything down for them, they don’t read it and I can lose my license or get sued because of their mistakes.
I can’t focus on doing my job, I am constantly alert on what else they have done wrong, trying to catch it so we don’t hurt our clients. I make quick decisions and run from room to room. My staff says “ that scares people. You leave them in suspense”. Even though I write directions or say what my next step is but I say it fast and run to fix it. They probably want me to hold their hand all day long and I don’t have time for that. I am trying to fix everything so we don’t get sued.
Feelings I want to feel is : enjoying my job where I only do my part and other so well their parts well, I feel liked and part of the group, people celebrate my bday and ask about my life (right now I do make an effort to make a small talk with employees and ask about their lives. They never do that first with me.)
I want to feel not stressed. That I don’t have to do everything on my own to maintain good quality of work and not be afaraid every day that we will get sued. I want to feel good when I walk in the room, not have either depressed or scared looks that they give me now. How can the model help me?
I am trying to change other people’s behavior. But I can’t control them. So the model can propose only one of two things. Either give up and let all quality go to the toilet, lose my license and get deported. Or somehow work even harder than I am right now so that I am expecting staff to make mistakes and me fixing them. But I don’t think I can physically do that. I already run like a chicken with my head cut off.
I tried teaching them. They first complain that it’s too much. Then they say you can’t fix this office, it has always been like this, why bother, why are you pushing us. I heard feedback that they feel scared of me and then they perform even poorer. How can the model help? Thanks