I was abused my big brother when I was a child, I have thoughts that I’m damaged and broken, that I’m messed up inside now and different from everyone else, that no will love me, like me or accept me. I want to fall in love but I’m scared that I will be rejected or I’m damaged in some that I can’t experience love. I’m scared to let anyone in and I worried if I fall in love and it doesn’t work out, I won’t be able to handle that. I don’t understand why anyone would like me or want me in that way as my thoughts make me feel defective. I think the same thoughts for my all relationships including friends and even with work colleagues.

I feel like I’m a fraud as no one knows and I pretend that I’m ok and there’s nothing wrong. I feel a lot of shame that it was my fault in some way as he used to tell me it was a game and I believed him and that he would let me have things or give me things so I let him do these things to me and I didn’t realise what was he was doing to know me, that I should have known or not wanted the things he was grooming me with.

This happened 25 years ago and I’ve never been able to process it instead I resist having to think about it and dealing with it. I don’t want to feel this way about about myself anymore. I don’t want to feel like I can’t be loved or liked cause of what happened and keep feeling like a victim anymore, how I start believing that I can find love, that I’m lovable and likeable, that I’m not a fraud