Wow! Self-Coaching Scholars.. *ALL* of it.. is just amazing. I had a breakthrough this evening after submitting my previous models on the conflict with my mother for review and critique.
As mentioned before, I was determined to resolve my issue with my anger and my resentment towards my mother and to hopefully come to some resolution of our conflict.
Since then, I listened to TLCS Podcast “Difficult Conversation” episode … as I saw someone mention it here on Ask a Coach…
I mean, seriously, it’s as if … when you open your heart and mind to something… when you have a thought… you look for the evidence to make it true… and my eyes were open to seeing the “Difficult Conversation” here on Ask a Coach.
I listened to it. Went to TLCS website that corresponded with the podcast and perused the comments. I was then directed to listen to TLCS Episode #6: Vulnerability vs Victim Mentality. The crazy thing is that I had listened to the episode before, but it didn’t speak to me as much as it did today after my particular conflict with my mother.
I realized that I totally put myself (unconsciously) into the Victim Mentality.
When I got defensive towards my mother, that should have been my first clue that I was going into victim mentality.
But I didn’t realize that at the time!
But now I do!
Despite all the pain and suffering (Of spinning out on negative thoughts and feelings) that *I* alone put myself through since the fight, I can actually say that I am thankful for the opportunity of having gone through it because I wouldn’t have learned this aspect about myself and how to deal with it.
My experiencing a negative emotion at the moment was because of a thought that I was having and creating.. it is NOT because of what my mother said (even if it was said in a not-so-nice way).
It is because I believed what she said.. and I made it mean something negative for myself.. and I gave my power to her and became a victim.
And you know what, in examining what she said, I can honestly say that yes… I can find the truth in some of it.
Yes, I am “insensitive” sometimes.
But, I can accept the parts of me that aren’t perfect (as Byron Katie).
It doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me.
So, next time my mom says something that I view as “critical” of me, I can reply back and say.. “Yes. You’re right. That can be true.” And then, I can release that desire to fight and defend myself. I truly can say that.
I actually felt free.
And I don’t have to hide and avoid her anymore like I would if I were the victim.
She or Anyone can have whatever opinion they want of me. And I don’t have to argue with it to defend my own worth. I know what’s true about me. And some of the things they say may be true and some may not be true.
From this place, I think I can truly engage and connect with my mom no matter what… and I can begin to practice and nurture unconditional love for her… no matter what she says or does.
And I can stop blaming her for making me feel the way I feel when she says or does what she does.
Blame is simply the discharging of pain and discomfort. — Brené Brown
And that is ALL on me.
I am 100% responsible for that pain and suffering and anger that I felt after our conflict.
From this place, I truly feel that I can have the courage to talk with her and have that “difficult conversation” with her to make amends. I can see her model on why she believes she is right. I can see that she might not have the full capacity or programming to love me according to my manual, and I may very well feel that negative emotion again.
But that’s okay. I am capable of feeling any negative emotion and sitting with it.
My mother is my best teacher for that.
These are my thoughts, thus far on this… I’m not sure what my intentional model(s) would be.
I get a little confused on creating models with all of these thoughts, and I’m sure I mix them up.
But I just wanted to share my epiphany (in case it helps anyone) and my gratitude to Brooke and all the coaches and your work here.