Afraid of Dying

Hi, I want to get over my fear of death. I am a single mom with a 4 yr old. Her Dad and I have legal split custody although she has only been with me full-time and has never spent more than a couple hours with him at a time. My mother (daughter’s grandmother) has done all the child care when needed. We have a very supportive, loving home. I love our life we travel 6 months out of the year. I have her listening to podcasts with me, we meditate. I preach self-care to her. Anyway, her father’s world is completely different.

He is a very handsome multi-millionaire CEO who travels a lot also. He is very charming and fun but he has several addictions. Drugs, Prostitutes, and has a serious alcohol problem. Throws massive parties. He also has two older boys age 20 and 16. The house is full of teenagers around the clock who are free to party. The fathers best friends deal drugs, swing. . . it goes on and on. Not only that he is extremely emotionally abusive, moody, manipulates, leverage, triangulate, divide and conquer are his frequent go tos. If I had to pick one name for him it would be spirit crusher. He will openly say his youngest son is so sweet because he has raised him on Fear.

Before having my daughter I used to snowboard and surf. Two of my most favorite things. After filling out my life insurance policy they ask if you do any high-risk sports. ski, snowboarding, surfing, scuba diving, etc.

I am afraid to do the things I used to do because I don’t want to put myself at any extra risk of dying. Not because I’m afraid of death but because I am afraid of what will happen to my daughter if I die. I go to the worst. That my daughter will end up being packed up and shipped to her dad’s in this very unhealthy environment full of abuse, fear, and neglect and not have a mother. I keep thinking that if she was older (grown) or if her dad was this super healthy, consistent, self-aware, full of integrity version I wouldn’t be afraid of what would happen to her if I die.

We spend 3- 6 months in Bali a year. My daughter goes to school 4 days a week there. I could be surfing but I’m terrified to do anything that would put me at any extra risk. But if there is an extra risk than surfing isn’t worth it anymore but at the same time, I want to be surfing.