Ah ha Husband

So, an ah-ha.
I’ve been getting quite a bit of coaching on my relationship.

I have been pissed off for a long time that I’m the one that has to manage the money, the menu, and keep calm flow in the house.

I have been angry at the fact he has lied about not paying off his debt as he promised and snuck alcohol.

I was royally devastated that “he blew up my fantasy of us”. (3 years ago when the whole alcoholism became visible).

That is a long time to be angry. I knew no other way.

He is now 6 months away from his debt being paid off, and maybe it will happen sooner. He is doing this with my help – I have been insistent and given him structure.
He is 3 years sober (he figured out the structure) .

I can see the “wins” in that now.

And the fantasy? If I am honest – when we met 11 years ago, we were two very broken individuals post divorces – to other people. He soothed each other’s wounds, filled up the love tank, and there were areas where we were slipping into codependency.

Like the alcohol. I knew he was sneaking for a year before it blew up but I didn’t want to acknowledge it for fear of just that. Acknowledging it.

That it happened —— really is perfect. It had to.

It had to because I had to do the hard work and the slogging. I had to do it in order to grow up.

** I AM the one who manages the money. I AM the one learning about investing. I AM the one who creates a calm flow. ***. And THAT IS AWESOME.

And even better, I love that I now believe that he doesn’t have to change for me to be happy.

Where I sit now with it is I feel lonely. I want a lover. I want that love to be him. I miss not being on the same page. I miss us as a couple AND, I can do both. I can miss that and yearn and I can love my strength and growth. I think this is the first time I can be with that co-existence.

There is something really cool starting to grow here.

Thanks scholars.